They call me Uncle, Albert Uncle. I remember a time when jet skiing through the Swedish Alps while being chased by Russian mobsters was a ‘Tuesday’. I was young then. Still an impressionable fellow, but those days are behind me. Do you know how difficult it is to be a world-famous super spy? Can’t jump out of an airplane anymore without getting court marshalled. I was trying to infiltrate the Cambodian embassy when I got surrounded by guards asking for autographs. As a matter of fact, to this day I don’t understand why the CIA allowed Hollywood to make movies about the missions they sent me on.

These days I mostly relax at home, enjoying the fruits of my stardom and helping people in need.

A few years back, Suresh and I got together and built a time machine with the intention of meeting Mr. Einstein in the flesh. Jolly fellow. His hair reminded me of a housing scheme for birds. I even helped correct a few of his formulas by introducing him to a little Jambugasmulla creativity.

It was during a heated debate that German officers knocked on his door, demanding that he surrender all of his formulas. As a former lawyer, I respect the sanctity of intellectual property law too much to let this crime go unhindered. In a moment of quick thinking, I used my disguise kit and a nearby birds nest to impersonate Mr. Einstein and lead the German officers on a wild goose chase across Berlin.

If you read the history books today, you’ll learn that Mr. Einstein safely made his escape to America. No thanks required.

On a cold Battaramulla morning, I got a call from an agency whose name I will omit for national security reasons. They informed me about the evil Dr. Gojjabi, who had set up shop in the Embuldeniya area. According to local sources, Gojjabi had been experimenting on bird genetics: attempting to create a half-man, half-bird hybrid army in order to overthrow the local Nugegoda Government. My mission was to sneak into that freak's house and steal the laptop containing his research, so that we could use it as evidence when we finally arrested him. Upon sneaking in to his garage lab, I was surprised at how poor this man was. His "experiments" consisted of birds in a jar in a fridge. I felt sorry for the fellow, and his basement was warm so I took a sip of cold jar-bird juice. It was not until a few years had passed that I was rescued from the Sinharaja forest: covered in mud, and chasing after insects. Luckily for me, they had caught Gojjabi and were able to return me back to my former self.

I was visiting the Sistine chapel when I realized that the murals could use a little bit more definition, so I pulled out the old time machine. Luckily, everything was functional, and after waiting in line for 8 hours I was able to secure enough diesel to power it up.

Upon entering the Sistine Chapel in 1508, I immediately hit it off with an enthusiastic Michelangelo. He taught me the secrets of creating a masterwork painting, and I taught him the intricacies of Adobe Photoshop. Using his newfound MacBook skills, we conceptualized what was to become a more detailed ‘creation of man’. We even hid a pol roti somewhere in the painting.

Upon visiting Gotham City I found myself lost in it’s many alleyways. It was at this time that a young fellow approached me and demanded my wallet. I felt sorry for him and gave him my wallet, when a strange fellow dressed like a bat jumped out the shadows and kicked this poor robber across the face. After ten minutes of fighting, the robber ran away, and the bat person returned my wallet to me. As he returned my wallet, he recognized me and asked me to teach him a few tricks from my Jawatte-side crime fighting days, and I agreed; so, I spent a few years with him in Gotham, wearing his suit and instilling in him the ancient wisdom of Angampura.

Salutations chuti puthas and duwas. You're probably yearning for another Albert Uncle story so I'll tell you about the time I met this fellow called Robert Downey Jr. I was in Hollywood boulevard for the premiere of One Shot One starring Ranjan Ramanayaka, when this Robert fellow approached me after recognising me. He had an idea, and wanted to use my famous Yakada Ayya suit to make a movie. I think he wanted to call it Metal Man or Tin Boy or something; either way I was intrigued. I gave him a spare suit and I taught him how to use the more technical features. Soon, Robert was flying across the skies of Hollywood like a bird who had just been released from a cage. Everyone was happy and it was all smiles until Robert Downey Jr. started attacking the local bank. What was supposed to be a happy moment quickly turned into screaming and panic. Luckily, I still had my Yakada Ayya suit, so I was able to bring him down and calm him down. After talking for an hour he told me that the bank had lied to him about their interest rates. I told him that he should try Seylan, and he agreed to give it a shot. Either way, he went on to become very successful with the metal man movies, eventually going on to make the revengers or anguishers or something like that. I think it was called suspenders? I can't remember it was a movie about all these heroes coming together: Widow Woman, Hawk dude, the Sulk, Tho, Metal Man, and American Sergeant or something.

After watching Avengers with the Head of Research at the Colombo University, we had an idea. He suggested creating a Colombo-centric superhero to protect the constitutional rights of the Sri Lankan people. I said ‘okay’, and after a month of trial and error, he was able to turn me into a super soldier. On that day, Captain Jambugasmulla was born. Alongside Yakada bro and Wasanawantha Woman, we took to the skies and got to work on spreading Sri Lankan democracy to the world.

A long time ago while travelling in America, I met a young man with near immeasurable musical talent. He called himself 50 cent, and he felt like a man worth my time, so I taught him some fresh Lankan rhymes from my rapper days. He gave me the title of 50 Rupee, and together we formed the popular rap group ‘100 Rupees’: releasing world renowned tracks such as ‘In the tea shop’, ‘waiting for the bus’, ‘Suresh please return my money’, and ‘the bulath spit blues’.

It was after an especially dangerous assignment from the secret service that I decided to take a break from being a special agent. I had chased the evil Dr. Gojjabi across every continent as we left behind a trail of failure, destruction and unfinished rice packets. I said enough was enough, and I gave up the hunt; choosing instead to pick up a more peaceful career in cooking. A little afterwards, Suresh told me about this competition called MasterChef so I decided to enter.

I ran into a very dear friend of mine, one of my former students ‘Gordon Ramsay’, who was now a judge on the show. It was when I hugged him that I noticed the fake moustache in his pocket. I’d recognize that moustache anywhere. My beloved student had a dark secret. His real identity: Dr. Gordon Gojjabi!

මට සාමාන්‍යයෙන්‌ සැකය අවුස්සන හෝඩුවාවක්‌ දැක්කොත්‌, අනේමන්දා ඒක හොයාගෙන යන්නමයි හිතෙන්නේ. ඒකට ඕගොල්ලො කවුරුත්‌ නොදන්න හේතුවක්‌ තියෙනවා. මම ලන්ඩන්වල ඉන්න කාලේ, Private Detective කෙනෙක්‌ විදිහට වැඩ කළා. දවසක්‌ උදේක, මම නැවතිලා හිටපු apartment - corridor එකේ බිත්තියේ, බොහොම අභිරහස්‌ ලේ පැල්ලමක්‌ හරිම අහම්බෙන්‌ වගේ මම දැක්කා. හැමෝම කතාවුණේ ඒක මේ සාමාන්‍ය කෝපි පැල්ලමක්‌ නැත්තම්‌ චොක්ලට් පැල්ලමක්‌ කියලා. හැබැයි මම දැනගෙන හිටියා හරියටම ඒ ලේ පැල්ලමක්‌ කියලා.

ඉතින්‌ මගේ සැකය ගැන ස්කොට්ලන්ඩ්යාඩ්‌ පොලීසියට මම ඒ වෙලාවෙම දැනුම්‌ දුන්නා. “The police confirmed that it was indeed blood.” ඒවෙලාවේ පොලීසියේ කිහිපදෙනෙක්‌ මට සුදු, උස, කෙට්ටු, ෂර්ලොක්‌ හෝම්ස්‌ කියලා හාදයෙක්ව අඳුන්වලා දුන්නා. එදා ලේ පැල්ලමක්‌ හරියටම තහවුරු කරගන්නෙ කොහොමද කියලා, මගේ රහසිගත විද්‍යානුකූල පරීක්ෂණය ගැන, මම මුල්ම වතාවට ෂර්ලොක්ට කියලා දුන්නා. ඒ වෙලාවේ ෂර්ලොක්‌ මට ස්තූති කළා. ඒත්‌ මගේ නම පත්තරවල යනවට මම කොහෙත්ම කැමති උනේ නැහැ. එදායින්‌ පස්සේ, අති බිහිසුණු අපරාධ ගණනාවක්‌ විසඳන්න මගේ පරීක්ෂණය තමයි ෂර්ලොක්ට උදව්වක්‌ වුණේ.

අපේ සුරේෂ් පුතාගේ පරම පිවිතුරු, ප්‍රථම ප්‍රේම ලෝකය හදිසියේම දෙදරා ගිහින්. ඉතින් මේ දවස්වල හේතුවක් නැතුවම හරියට කේන්ති යනවා. මොනවා කරන්නද වයසේ වැරැද්දනේ. හැබැයි මම නම් හරිම cool එකේ, full chill එකේ පොඩි joke එකක් එහෙම කරලා, හැමවෙලේම හිනාවෙලා තමයි ඉන්නේ. බුම්මගෙන ඉඳලා බැරිම තැන, සුරේෂ් පුතා මගෙන් මෙහෙම ඇහුවා,"ඇල්බට් අංකල් කොහොමද ඔහොම හැමවෙලේම හිනාවෙලා ඉන්නේ?"කියලා. මම කිව්වා,"අපිට දැන් කාලේ වගේ ඔය social media, memes එහෙම තිබුණේ නෑනේ ඒ කාලේ, අවුරුදු ගණනාවක් පිටරට හිටියත් අපිට හිනාගියේ රජගෙදර කවටයා වෙච්ච අන්දරේ කරපු විහිළුවලට විතරයි." කියලා මං කිව්වම, සුරේෂ් බක බක ගාලා සද්දෙට හිනාවුණා.

"සුරේෂ් පුතා දන්නවද, අන්දරේ was the funniest character I’ve ever heard." ඉතින් මං ටක්ගාලා මගේ පරණ ඉතිහාස නොම්බර කරකවන antique telephone එකේ තිබුණ contacts search කරලා රාජාධිරාජසිංහ රජතුමාගෙ කාලේ හිටපු අන්දරේට call එකක් ගත්තා. විරහ වේදනාව දරාගන්න කියලා අන්දරේ කියපු විදිහටම ආදරේ ගැන හිටිවන කවි කියන්න මායි සුරේෂුයි practice වුණා. අන්තිමේදි සුරේෂ් හිටිවන කවිය සින්දුවක් කරලා, ඒක හරියට Eminemගේ Rap එකක් වගේ කියන්න පටන් ගත්තා. මොනාවුණත් ඒ වැඩේ ඉවර වෙද්දි සුරේෂ් අන්දරේ වගේම විහිළු කරලා හිනාවෙලා ඉන්න එක ගැන නම් ඇත්තටම මට ආඩම්බර හිතුණා.

උදේ නැගිට්ට වෙලාවේ ඉඳන් සුරේෂ් ඔළුවෙ අත ගහගෙන phone එක දිහා බලාගෙන දහඅතේ කල්පනා කරනවා. කොහොමටත් සුරේෂ් ප්‍රශ්නයක් ආපුගමන් කරන්නේ හැම එකම Google කරන එක. "Google එකේ හැමදේටම උත්තර නෑ."කියලා මං සුරේෂ්ට කිව්වා. එහෙම කිව්වට ඉතින් ඇත්තටම කවුද මේ ලෝකේ ප්‍රශ්න වලට කැමති? හැබැයි ප්‍රශ්න හොයාගෙන ගිහින් විසඳන කෙනෙක් ලංකාවේ ඒ කාලේ හිටියා. ඒ තමයි මහදැනමුත්තා. ගමේ ප්‍රශ්න විතරක් නෙවේ, රටේ ප්‍රශ්න පවා මහදැනමුත්තා විසඳලා දුන්නා. කොටින්ම මහදැනමුත්තා තමයි ඒ කාලේ "හොඳටම කරේ." හැබැයි ඒ තනියම නම් නෙමේ, එයාට හිටියා හොඳ උගත් gang එකක්. ඒ තමයි රබ්බඩ අයියා, පුවක් බඩිල්ලා, කෝටුකිතයියා, පොල් බෑ මුණා, ඉදිකටු පැංචා කියන්නේ.

මහදැනමුත්තයි මමයි සෑහෙන කාලෙක ඉඳන්ම හොඳ pen friendsලා. නිතරම වගේ අපි ආගිය තොරතුරු ලිපි වලින් හුවමාරු කරගන්නවා. මහදැනමුත්තගේ ළඟ තිබුණා ගහෙන් ගෙඩි එන්නා වගේ ඔළුවට කඩන් පාත්වෙන ඕනෙම හතරබීරි ප්‍රශ්නෙකට විසඳුම් තියෙන පොතක්. "I’m the one who helped him to come up with it. We brainstormed until dawn." හොඳවෙලාවට මමයි මහදැනමුත්තයි ලියපු ඒ "හැමදේටම විසඳුම" පොතේ එක carbon කොපියක් ඉතුරුවෙලා තිබිලා ඒක මං සුරේෂ්ට දුන්නා. දැන් සේරම ප්‍රශ්න ඉවරයි.

කැලේ මැද ගමක් තියෙනවා... එහි පප්පලා රෑනක් ඉන්නවා...
ගමට පප්පාගම කියනවා... ඒ පප්පලා... තාලෙට කියවුණා නේද?

සූරපප්පා කියන්නේ සුරේෂ් චූටි කාලේ ඉඳන්ම අසාවෙන් බලපු කාටූන් එකක්. මම chef රස්සාවෙන් retired වෙලා ගෙදර හිටපු කාලේ, එක සෙනසුරාදා දවසක හවස සූරපප්පා කාටූන් එක බල බල ඉද්දි සුරේෂ් මට කියනවා,"Albert uncle, what do you say… shall we go to the Pappa Gama?"කියලා. මමත් වෙදපප්පගේ මැජික් අරිෂ්ටය රස බලන්න හරිම කැමැත්තෙන් හිටියේ. ඉතින් ගෙදර ඉතුරුවෙලා තිබුණු ඩීසල් කාලෙන් මමයි සුරේෂුයි කාලෙකට කලින් හදපු කාලයන්ත්‍රයට තෙල් ගහගෙන, අපි දෙන්නා පප්පාගමට යන්න තීරණය කළා. ඕගොල්ලන්ට මතකද සීසර් පප්පලාට අභියෝග කරපු වැඩ දොළහෙ කතාව? අපි ගියේ අන්න ඒ කතාවට.

ඔන්න ඉතින් සූරපප්පයි ජිම්පප්පයි වැඩ එකොළහම හොඳට කරලා අවසාන වැඩේට ආවා. ඒ තමයි, කෑල්ලකවත් ඉතුරු කෙරුවොත් පරාද වෙන, කාටවත්ම කාලා ඉවර කරන්න බැරි වුණ හෝටලේ, කෑම කාලා ඉවර කිරීමේ අභියෝගය. කියන්නත් සතුටුයි, ශ්‍රී ලංකාවේ ඝන්ටාර ක්‍රමේට හදාපු "ආරම් පුඩිමෙ" recipe එක දුන්නේ මම. ඒ කතාවේ අන්තිමට පප්පලා අභියෝග දොළහම ජයගන්නවා. ගමන අවසානයේ ජිම්පප්පා මගේ ඒ special dish එක රසයි කියලත් කිව්වා. ඉතින් ඒ ගමන මටයි සුරේෂ්ටයි අමතක නොවන රසබර මතකයක්.

நான் இங்கிருந்து London போயிட்டு உலகத்த துரத்திக் கொண்டு இருந்தேன். கண் அசைவிலேயே கள்ளன கண்டு பிடிக்கிற திறமை எனக்கு சின்ன வயசுலேயே இருந்தது. வீட்டுல கூட என்ன நடக்குதுனு அவங்களுக்கு தெரியாம ஒவ்வொருத்தரயா உளவு பார்க்கிற பழக்கம் தான் today I am here. ரொம்ப interesting ஹா போய்கிட்டு இருக்கும் டகைந .ஒரு குண்டூசி கிடைச்சாலே போதும் பெரிய பெரிய cases எல்லாம் easy யா முடிக்கிற அளவுக்கு Special Agent துப்பறிவாளனா நான் செயற்பட்டேன். எப்பவுமே மறைமுக வாழ்க்கை. London, Europe னு பல Paper Reporters என்ன துரத்திக்கிட்டு இருந்தாங்க. சரி வயசாகுது கொஞ்சம் break எடுத்து relaxaa இருக்கலாம் னு சென்னை வந்தேன்.

இங்க வந்தா my old friend உலக நாயகன் என்ன எப்படியோ அடையாளம் கண்டுட்டாரு. எனக்கு salute அடிச்சு நீங்கதான் tips கொஞ்சம் தரணும் விக்ரம் க்கு. நாங்க reel நீங்கதான் real. படத்துல agent டீனா யாரும் எதிர்பார்க்காத mass scene. என்னோட idea.. real life அ reel க்கு கொண்டு வாராதுல உலக நாயகன் கெட்டிக்காரரா இருந்தாலும்.. இந்த படத்த உலக அளவுல உயர்தினது நம்ம மறைமுக agent அல்பர்ட் uncle கொடுத்த mass tips கள் தான்.